‘Council Action over chopped tree’ by Ben Dineen-Dickinson: Developers have chopped down a protected mature gum tree in North Fremantle.  The council is seeking legal advice to try and get a ‘permanent replacement’.

‘Raven mad’ by Brendan Foster: An anonymous flyer has been distributed in Hilton urging locals to discourage ravens from hanging around.

‘Midges out of control’ by Brendan Foster: There are heaps of midges in Yangebup.

‘Ex Chook a Walkley winner’ by Brendan Foster: David Crossthwaite, who used to work for the Herald, is on a team that won a Walkley Award last year.

‘Party to change political landscape’ by Brendan Foster and Ben Dineen-Dickinson: WA’s first Aboriginal political party was formed last month.  The Aboriginal People’s Party is being assisted by Gerry Georgatos, the Murdoch Guild general manager who recently unsuccessfully contested the Willagee by-election.

‘Sydney drama for local’ by David Bell: “An East Freo lass” is going to NIDA for two weeks.

‘Bizzare discovery by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: A Bizircus circus troupe has found that South Beach used to be a main metropolitan beach.

‘Shopping centre row’ by Vanessa Williams:  Garden City centre management have denied that a memo they sent out was intended to imply that traders who refused to extend their hours would not have their leases renewed.

‘Mariners take a dive’ by David Bell: A Freo waterpolo team ALMOST won the Tom Hoad Cup this year.

‘Cities hotting up’ by David Bell: A sustainability group has warned that climate change will result in climate change.

‘Lightning lads’ by David Bell: “An East Freo lad” won a yacht race.

But wait! It seems as though The Herald food review has had a bit of a re-vamp over summer- with the absence of a panoramic opening segue, I’m sure you all can guess what Brendan Foster’s new years resolution could be. So as our eyes wander over the precise and relevant opening statement, it’s charming to see the odd ‘back in the day’ 80′s reference was not far astray.

Foster seems enthusiastic, as he writes of the upheaval of the archaic “pub” legacy, a little too enthusiastic perhaps, as his imagery without authority juxtaposes the Seaview’s ‘dodgy pie’ days with the now ‘stylish, boutique bar’. But that’s not all! The ‘greasy-haired cooks’ have been replaced by ‘chefs’. A little heavy on the wankery here, and I hardly believe that anybody should be encouraging the Seaview Tavern into a heightened state of self-regard.

One thing that I can’t disregard when reading any food review, is the common misconception that a kitchen full of ‘chefs’ is somehow synonymous with good food. The irrelevance of this statement most likely comes from the bastardisation of language, and a cultural misunderstanding, so it seems apt that Foster would make the mistake here. As a matter of fact, the word ‘chef’ is a french word, literally meaning ‘head’. So in a kitchen of cooks, the chef is the ‘head’ cook.

What I’d really like to know, is how Foster can claim this turnover in staff, whats more, the state of their personal hygiene? Did he personally identify each person in the kitchen on a scale of ‘greasy hair’ to ‘chef’?

Most of this review seemed reminiscent of a Waldorf and Statler bit, opinions flitting between discontent with the service, satisfaction with the decor and back to discontent with the next thing. Between hum-drum paragraphs going on and on, Foster eventually gets to the actual food: The usual listing of what each person got, and a token expression of grievances / delight. In this review Brendan seems surprised that there were no “tuna or bacon bits” hidden in his vegetarian omelette (should there be?).

He tops off the whole review saying the food was a little more “clever, imaginative and delightful” back in the day when he last dined at the Seaview, one can only deduce he is referring to the dodgy pie he mentioned at the beginning of the article.

Nice fresh beginning to the year, this review gets a 5/10

TAURUS Apr 21 – May 20: By all means, be selfish- but at least do so with a bit of class.

GEMINI May 21 – Jun 21: There are three basic functions your mouth is good for, talking, eating and vomiting. Do a little research and with a stroke of luck one of the above will pass as a valuable contribution to social interactions.

CANCER Jun 22 – Jul 22: Hey hotstuff, don’t spend too much time gussying up in front of the mirror, spread that love around!

LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22: Do not, under any circumstances, fight for your right to party.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sept 22: No need to ask questions, you already know it all.

LIBRA Sept 23 – Oct 23: Party, lurch, tripwire. Plughole, essence, room: go wild!

SCORPIO Oct 24 – Nov 21: Act upon all illogical emotions (if any questions are asked, just tell them the Moon told you to do it.)

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21: Turns out the voices in your head ARE right, everyone IS trying to lead you up the goat track.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19: Stretch out your limbo muscles, Mercury has saved the last dance.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18: Ignore other’s needs, you’re prettttttty much the most important thing going on this side of the decade.

PISCES Feb 19 – Mar 20: Today’s letter is : W.

‘Healing words’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger (not in Melville Edition): Samson resident  Laurie Humphries was interviewed on BBC radio about British children sent to Australia during the 1940s and 1950s who were exploited, abused and traumatised.

‘Anti-fags Woollard smokin’ hot for ACOSH by Brendan Foster: Janet Woollard, the independent Liberal MP for Alfred Cove, has received the Bob Elphick medal from the Australian Council on Smoking and Health for her amendments to the Tobacco Controls Act passed by parliament in September which bans ‘durries’ near playgrounds, between flags at the beach and in alfresco areas.  ’Puffers must also but out in cars carrying children under 16 and ciggie advertising is banned in all shops.’  (So it’s okay to smoke in cars with kids as long as you put your dart out after, right? – ed.)

‘Westpac man takes lobby reins’ by Brendan Foster: Chris Pearce, a senior relationships manager at Westpac is now the president of the Melville Cockburn Chamber of Commerce.

‘A class of their own’ by Kate Murphy: Fremantle Greens MLA Adele Carles’ daughter, former Fremantle Labour MLA Jim McGinty’s nephew, and new Willagee MLA Peter Tinley’s son are all students in the year 6/7 class at Beaconsfield Primary.  Students from the who have learnt english through the school’s Intensive English Centre will also be graduating this year (as they do every year).

‘One man’s mess…’ by Brendan Foster: A Hamilton Hill resident has been fined $6750 for the rodent infested junk pile on his property.

‘Stop these laws’ by Anonymous (no byline printed): The bill regarding new stop and search laws has been passed by the lower house, but Fremantle MP Adele Carles hopes the upper house will reject the bill following growing community concern.

‘Minister on the lamb’ by David Bell: Following last weeks complaints about violations of the Animal Welfare Act during live animal exports (see Review post ‘Abuse At The Port: Phelan (December 12 Edition)’) local government minister John Castrilli has stated that those involved in the live export industry should self-regulate as it is logistically impossible to have inspectors present at every loading.  Shadow minister Paul Papalia and South Metro Greens MLC Lynn MacLaren disagree, arguing that those involved in the industry have proven themselves unwilling or unable to police their own actions.

‘Powering down south’ by Anonymous (no byline printed): The South-West Development Commission has expressed an interest in the contents of the old World of Energy museum.

‘ISAF war chest’ by Anonymous (no byline printed)(not in Melville Edition): The ISAF World Sailing Championships have been promised $8.6 million from the Rudd government and $8.8 million from the Barnett Government.  (For more info on ISAF, see Review posts ‘Other Herald News in Short’, December 12 and November 28 editions.)

‘Looking for Jack Knapp’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger (not in Melville Edition): An Italian Historian is trying to track the family of Jack Knapp, an Australian airman whose plane crashed in the Alps during the second world war.

‘Planting the seed’ Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger (not in Melville Edition): Suffolk Street nursery owner Ben Mitchell has been named WA Young Leader in the Nursery and Garden Industry Awards.

TAURUS Apr 21 – May 20: Enough shadow-boxing; dance with a wrestling opponent.

GEMINI May 21 – Jun 21: Love the autonomous.

CANCER Jun 22 – Jul 22: Find peace on the lonely rock away from the sociable swamp.

LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22: Your needs are being met , but not in the way you want.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sept 22: Watch moonlight from you special place, start inhabiting the unknown.

LIBRA Sept 23 – Oct 23: If your have been doing whats right, your right; if you haven’t your not.

SCORPIO Oct 24 – Nov 21: Search for a smile in bare-faced reality.  Hold a party for intriguing optimism.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21: You are a big strong bloke, or you have a big strong bloke – either way ‘there’s plenty of grunt in the engine room’, so get on with it.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19: Pull the handbrake on the superfluous, but don’t pull the plug on the precious.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18: Just put up and shut up.

PISCES Feb 19 – Mar 20: Your chiropractor will be happy – the friction between intution and wisom will apparently give you a stronger spine.

This article by D’Anger follows the theme of her previous articles on the issue, shamelessly championing ‘pawrepresentation’s’ cause without even a perfunctory attempt to present a balanced perspective.  As with last week’s ‘Barking mad about ban’, she concludes the article with an advertisement for the next planned action against the ban, so the ‘cover story’ serves as D’Angermouse’s personal mandate.

‘No ‘art for art in Freo’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: Allocation of funding for a new theatre in Fremantle has been ‘all but ruled out’.

‘Scratching spree damages 25 cars’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: Cars have been scratched while parked at the two new Fremantle Hospital parking bays.

‘Summer of, er, fun?’ by Carissa Gay: Woman to do honours degree.

‘Council scraps Hilton Islands’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: Fremantle council’s plans to build seagull islands on the corner of Joslin Street and Nicholas Crescent in Hilton have been scrapped.

‘Path pain’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: An administrative kerfuffle has resulted in a brick path in South Fremantle being replaced with a concrete one.  Resident disgruntled.

‘Chemistry with kids’by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: Palmyra resident Julie Boston, a new science teacher at John Curtin “College of the Arts” has won the WA Premier’s Teacher of the Year award and is now shortlisted for the National excellence in teaching awards.

‘Festival trills’ by Anonymous (no byline printed): The George St festival was pretty good, with no hooligans.

‘Debate powers on’ by Giovanni Torre: There was a debate about nuclear power at Perth town hall last week.

‘Migrant wall delay’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: The construction of Fremantle’s migrant welcome wall has been delayed, despite politicians promises.

‘Freo steps in where Canberra fears to tread’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: Fremantle council is flying a pirate-type flag in support for the ‘Steve Irwin’, the Sea Shepherd anti-whaling ship that is heading to Antarctic this week to confront the Japanese fleet.

‘Arson attack ruins Christmas’ by Ben Dineen-Dickinson: Melville’s Uniting Church was set on fire early Thursday morning, causing $20,000 worth of damage.

‘Leafy learning at South Freo’ by Jenny D’Angermouse D’Anger: A ‘green class room’ has opened at South Fremantle SHS where students can learn about propogating seeds.

Nevertheless the rest of this celeriac-lover’s review was a rave (disregarding ‘two gripes’… apparently paper tablecloths aren’t good enough).  Grant and his dining companion indulged in the Christmas menu created by Freo’s only Michelen-starred chef, Frederic Verschoore, which kicks off with a rich, creamy mushroom starter followed by a ‘refreshing’ dish consisting of truss tomato stuffed with scampi in green bean remoulade, which was served with a basil-infused coulis.  The next dish was a duckling salad in which ‘the tender flesh of the smoked baby quacker [was] complemented by a surprisingly delicate lentil side’.  At this point Grant redisplays his ignorance by sneaking in another astonishingly offensive comment; ‘Note to vegans – this is what lentils were meant for!’

The main dish was a choice between a red emperor fillet surrounded by celariac puree, which for Grant was the ‘piece de resistance’ (or pièce de résistance – apparently Steve Grant is so far superior to ‘the French’ that he has no qualms insulting the nations people in one breath and bastardising the nations language in the next), or a sirloin steak served with mushrooms and seasonal vegetables.  The final dish, the desert was a lavender creme brulee (crème brûlée) which, despite Grant’s arrogant conviction that the taste’s would work, ended up bringing ‘a tear to [his] eye’.  The texture of the brûlée was apparently, ‘magnifique!’.

Steve Grant, your review was simply the crème de la crap. 3/10