Seaview on South Terrace: Gastropub Gripes (January 9 Edition)

Well, well, well… Another year, another trashy food review.

But wait! It seems as though The Herald food review has had a bit of a re-vamp over summer- with the absence of a panoramic opening segue, I’m sure you all can guess what Brendan Foster’s new years resolution could be. So as our eyes wander over the precise and relevant opening statement, it’s charming to see the odd ‘back in the day’ 80′s reference was not far astray.

Foster seems enthusiastic, as he writes of the upheaval of the archaic “pub” legacy, a little too enthusiastic perhaps, as his imagery without authority juxtaposes the Seaview’s ‘dodgy pie’ days with the now ‘stylish, boutique bar’. But that’s not all! The ‘greasy-haired cooks’ have been replaced by ‘chefs’. A little heavy on the wankery here, and I hardly believe that anybody should be encouraging the Seaview Tavern into a heightened state of self-regard.

One thing that I can’t disregard when reading any food review, is the common misconception that a kitchen full of ‘chefs’ is somehow synonymous with good food. The irrelevance of this statement most likely comes from the bastardisation of language, and a cultural misunderstanding, so it seems apt that Foster would make the mistake here. As a matter of fact, the word ‘chef’ is a french word, literally meaning ‘head’. So in a kitchen of cooks, the chef is the ‘head’ cook.

What I’d really like to know, is how Foster can claim this turnover in staff, whats more, the state of their personal hygiene? Did he personally identify each person in the kitchen on a scale of ‘greasy hair’ to ‘chef’?

Most of this review seemed reminiscent of a Waldorf and Statler bit, opinions flitting between discontent with the service, satisfaction with the decor and back to discontent with the next thing. Between hum-drum paragraphs going on and on, Foster eventually gets to the actual food: The usual listing of what each person got, and a token expression of grievances / delight. In this review Brendan seems surprised that there were no “tuna or bacon bits” hidden in his vegetarian omelette (should there be?).

He tops off the whole review saying the food was a little more “clever, imaginative and delightful” back in the day when he last dined at the Seaview, one can only deduce he is referring to the dodgy pie he mentioned at the beginning of the article.

Nice fresh beginning to the year, this review gets a 5/10

Astrology, Jan 9-16 (January 9 Edition)

ARIES Mar 21- Apr 20: Hey, Aries! Your life is going nowhere, deal with it!

TAURUS Apr 21 – May 20: By all means, be selfish- but at least do so with a bit of class.

GEMINI May 21 – Jun 21: There are three basic functions your mouth is good for, talking, eating and vomiting. Do a little research and with a stroke of luck one of the above will pass as a valuable contribution to social interactions.

CANCER Jun 22 – Jul 22: Hey hotstuff, don’t spend too much time gussying up in front of the mirror, spread that love around!

LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22: Do not, under any circumstances, fight for your right to party.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sept 22: No need to ask questions, you already know it all.

LIBRA Sept 23 – Oct 23: Party, lurch, tripwire. Plughole, essence, room: go wild!

SCORPIO Oct 24 – Nov 21: Act upon all illogical emotions (if any questions are asked, just tell them the Moon told you to do it.)

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21: Turns out the voices in your head ARE right, everyone IS trying to lead you up the goat track.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19: Stretch out your limbo muscles, Mercury has saved the last dance.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18: Ignore other’s needs, you’re prettttttty much the most important thing going on this side of the decade.

PISCES Feb 19 – Mar 20: Today’s letter is : W.

Wild Poppy, South Fremantle: Bitching About Blogging (November 28 Edition)

“Despite the number of over-bloated blogs polluting the net the promise –  real or illusory – of getting any self fulfilment or intellectual nourishment from bloggers is zero… the best way to find out about books, movies, music or even a great place to eat is still the old bush telegram.” -Brendan Foster, Herald Food, 28/11/09

What is this? Bush week? Foster must think we have holes where our heads used to be if he expects us to buy this dazzling introduction. I’m not going to take it personally though, I mean Brendan is probably just some luddite who has it in for technology, after all.

However, before we completely dismiss this comment, why don’t we take a closer look at the hypocrisy interwoven in this statement, shall we? I mean, let’s take a look at the facts…

The internet essentially was conceived in the 60′s by the US Department of Defence, the idea: to create a computer network that would continue to function in the event of a disaster- if any part of the network was broken or destroyed, the rest of the network would still exist (to learn more, google ARPANET). This idea was then developed by the National Science Foundation in 1985, and upon the excitement of enhanced communication, freedom of speech, and free unadulterated information at your fingertips, the ‘internet’ blossomed into the ‘information highway’ we so fondly refer to these days.

In an attempt to get the bone of contention, I pose a question: if the internet is praised for it’s effectiveness as a medium to enhance communication, and blogs essentially present the opinions of the people whom own them, could we then surmise that a blog is, infact, a fantastic agency of word-of-mouth information? This is not to mention the outstanding fact that Foster’s vocation comprises an assortment of weekly reviews, all of which are neither verbally presented, or intellectually nourishing (on this note, might I add that the term Brendan was searching for in his article is ‘Bush Telegraph’). However, invalid opinions are somewhat of a tradition in the Herald food review, and not being one to disparage tradition, I’m willing to embrace his comment as yet another fluffy, yet delightful and engaging segue, and can admit I dearly missed Brendan’s Diary last week. Then again, of course, he could be just a teensy jealous that 97 of our page views this month have been clicks from the google search ‘herald food review’.

1/10

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, Wild Poppy is at the corner of Wray Ave and South Terrace. Brendan had Red China Pork with rice and paw-paw salad ($17.50), and reports that it was exquisite.

Kids booze at Bhangra: Claim (November 28 Edition)

Jenny D’Anger’s follow-up article on the Bhangra street party (see Bhangra bust-up, Herald Review, Dec 1) claims that teens engaged in illegal street-drinking, and that young children were allowed to walk around unsupervised at the Fremantle Festival. These allegations are the opinion of an unnamed crowd controller of the event, who anonymously tipped-off the Herald after reading last week’s front-page story.

The flow of the article is littered with informal information from this alleged source, giving it a quality reminiscent of a playground squabble, as the “crowd controller” throws in his last-ditch bid to have his opinion on the matter considered. Jenny sets the tone for this article firstly vilifying teenagers at the event, claiming that “drunken behaviour escalated into violence”, and security was not able to confiscate alcohol quickly enough due to the density of the crowd. This is a much different approach to the one angled by Bhangra bust-up, where D’Angermouse swiftly coaxes the reader to side with the young “victims”, and then outrage as she describes bad behaviour on part of the authorities.

This article is positioned in close proximity to similar articles on the event, both central to the aftermath of the ugly incident at the Fremantle Festival. CCC probe into arrests inform of action taken by police during an inquest of the Corruption and Crime Commission of the incident surrounding the arrest of five John Curtin College of the Arts students. Call for teen Taser ban highlights the concerns held by Fremantle Greens MP Adele Carles on the matter of taser use for crowd-control. Both articles concentrate on the alleged police brutality central to the issue, with CCC probe into arrests airing police criticism of Ms Carles’ opinion on the event, and concerns for the well-being of children within the construct of new stop-and-search laws, and mandatory sentencing laws, allowing the police alot more power than people of WA are comfortable with. Police minister Rob Johnson is quoted in parliament this week informing Ms Carles that “Tasers are used for compliance purposes, not to intimidate of traumatise people”.

D’Angermouse has done quite a clever job over the last three weeks with this issue. Within each aforementioned article contained by the Herald, the reader is prompted to take a side, each piece strung together with information and quotes of varying degrees of reliability. Something as controversial as police brutality and teen misdemeanour deserves to have multifaceted information in the media, so the public can form it’s own opinion. However, considering public response, in contrast with D’Anger’s articles begs the question: how much information can we really trust?

Bhangra bust-up (November 21 Edition)

Next year’s Bhangra street party is under review after alleged sexual harassment, violence, and police brutality at last Sunday’s close to the Fremantle Festival. Five John Curtin students were arrested during what the Herald describes as a ‘pandemonium’, of mis-communication. According to the Herald, the students attempting to defend female friends targeted by sexual harassment were then assaulted and threatened by police officers, arrested and at one point, tasared. Parents of the children had lodged complaints with the Fremantle Police Department after being insulted by officers when attempting contact, and were told to “fuck off, and don’t come back”. In light of these events, Maya Indian Restaurant owner and sponsor of the Bhangra party Gurps, is hesitant to sponsor the event again next year.

Actual news in the Herald this week! Jenny D’Anger’s front-page article Bhangra bust-up is full of controversy, setting the tone for the entire edition of this week’s paper. The article, sectioned under two sub-titles; Kids say cops got it wrong, and groped, outline the perspectives of the victims, and the marriage between the three full-colour photographs of the event and the text lends itself to a sense of foreboding. The article is written in true “D’Angermouse” style, a bedside-story style narrative carries the text, with a sprinkling of colloquial language to reach out to those of us readers with short attention spans.

It is well known amongst Herald readers that Jenny D’Anger is one of many Herald journalists vying for the front-page spread, this fact reflects in this article- in news, only one of four things ever make it to the front page; violence, sex, gossip or heartwarming stories- this article has it all.

An article of this calibre really does invite a public response, so forums are open for discussion below.

Café 55, High St, Fremantle: Ben Bemoans Brendan (November 21 Edition)

Speedy service during rush hour. Malaysian style nyonya curry consists of lamb, rice and potatoes, was immensely satisfactory, aside from slightly gluggy rice. Ga Saigon is chicken with rice, salad, and lemongrass marinade; a bit fiddly, albeit fairly addictive and quite light- good for lunch. Laksa Lemak was too watery according to Brendan, but other “Chooks” were satisfied. Overall, good quality, considering low prices, Vietnamese spring rolls highly recommended, albeit rare.

Brendan took time out from food-reviewing this week as a result of his busy schedule, giving rising star Ben Dineen-Dickinson a chance to flex his food-reviewing muscles. Ben took an unorthodox approach with this review, detailing the qualities of food served at the restaurant that were actually eaten by himself-  the reviewer- and his party. He delves straight into the culture of the cafe, setting at atmosphere to engage readers, as he details each dish in a concise manner. In reading this review, you really got a sense that Ben had actually been to this restaurant, and actually eaten food from there.  Whilst the informative nature of the article made a nice change, we here at the Review did find we missed having the latest instalment of ‘Brendan’s Diary’ aka ‘food review’.  Ben’s comments about Brendan left the Review staff somewhat confused, as he referred to Brendan as “impossible-to-please” when it comes to food. In our experience reading Foster’s food reviews, on the rare occasions that he actually does mention the quality of the food, he is generally complimentary, although this could be due to the fact that he only ever orders his ‘safe’ favourites.  We at the review can only surmise that Ben is attempting some sort of coup, planning to overthrow Brendan as the Herald’s ‘top’ food journalist. Review staff are poised to bring you further political developments as they unfold.

We found this review more informative than usual, but did miss Brendan’s bumbling idiocy special touch. 5/10.

Astrology, Nov 28 – Dec 5 (November 28 Edition)

ARIES Mar 21- Apr 20: Jump on a broomstick, with a horses head.

TAURUS Apr 21 – May 20: You are made out of a special kind of gold that doesn’t melt. Figuratively, I hope.

GEMINI May 21 – Jun 21: Break rules of physics, take care when shooting truth gun.

CANCER Jun 22 – Jul 22: Love is much like a fine wine, it breeds confidence. You are about to fall in a pond.

LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22: Be curious, look at the things in front of you, then perhaps think of who you are.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sept 22: Ignore clever people and smells will become smellier.

LIBRA Sept 23 – Oct 23: Gird loins, let life deepen you.

SCORPIO Oct 24 – Nov 21: Be led by a quiet riot.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21: To cleanse undigested “emotion food”, we recommend colonic irrigation.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19: when diplomacy fails, try tidying the kitchen.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18: Your emotional hobgoblins are old news, baby, engage in some self love.

PISCIES Feb 19 – Mar 20: look in the mirror, you hypocrite.

Astrology, Nov 21-28 (November 21 Edition)

ARIES Mar 21 – Apr 20: Avoid vortexes by abandoning goals.

TAURUS Apr 21 – May 20: Everyone is about to realise what a stubborn bastard you truly are.

GEMINI May 21 – Jun 21: Reveal your emotions in order to get your turn on the slippery-slide of happiness.

CANCER Jun 22 – Jul 22: Tides of nostalgia will create waves of change.

LEO Jul 23 – Aug 22: Quit with all of that flashy rhetoric already- put your money where your mouth is.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sept 22: Use your blood-fire to turn theory into practise.

LIBRA Sept 23 – Oct 23: Stop procrastinating, it’s not as bad as you think.

SCORPIO Oct 24 – Nov 21: When the love-boats a-rockin’, don’t come-a-knockin’.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21: Masturbation is the key to avoiding impotence.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19: perviously, it has been fine to be like a rock, now you must be like a reed, roll in the waves of sensitivity. And class.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18: Persistently insisting on resisting pre-existing emotional issues will end badly, try twisting a consistent instinct instead.

PISCES Feb 19 – Mar 20: Goats.

Hush Cafe, Market St, Fremantle: Restaurant Reminiscences (November 14 Edition)

Brendan had an AC/DC t-shirt when he was 10. In the winter of the 1976, a glam-rock band; Hush, appeared on TV’s Countdown, but Brendan thought they were weird. This week, Brendan visited a cafe, which was coincidentally also called Hush, where the staff didn’t wear silver flares or platform shoes. *Mel ate bacon, which Brendan claims to have an OCD dependancy on. Some of the “Chook” staff wear flares.

*For new readers, Mel is Brendan’s partner, who is a supposed vegetarian.

Hush Café is one of the newest additions to Fremantle’s bustling ‘cappuccino strip’, and Brendan Foster’s recent review of the Espresso Bar expressively details this. Asides comment of the Cafe’s ‘newness’, and the coincidental name situation, the review had little informative content. Foster’s incessant bacon banter makes for an amusing read, albeit exhausting; it seems as though bacon is Brendan’s favourite food, no? This edition of the Herald Food Review gives one the sense of déjà vu.

Asides the lack of actual food review in this review, Fosters article cleverly educates about 80′s cover band Hush, and his juvenile love of AC/DC and silver flares, earning this review 4/10

Astrology, Nov 14-21 (November 14 Edition)

ARIES Mar 21 – Apr 20 Laziness will bite you because it has it’s own agenda, apparently.

TAURUS Apr 21 – May 20 Resist rolling wave of blind ambition, however. Trust your instincts.

GEMINI May 21 – Jun 21 You can’t control the rolling seas of emotion, drive instead.

CANCER Jun 22 – Jul 22 Find a vortex- suck up emotional floods.

LEO Jul 23 – Aug22 Be somewhat conservative when dancing, also be radical.

VIRGO Aug 23 – Sept 22 Feelings are seen, or unseen, but you’re not on a rollercoaster. Waves.

LIBRA Sept 23 – Oct 23 You can’t drive. And you know it.

SCORPIO Oct 24 – Nov 21 Life is right, and your emotions are right; but they’re not both right.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 22 – Dec 21 You’re very sensitive this week.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 – Jan 19 Plot and plan all you like, but then take the easy way out.

AQUARIUS Jan 20 – Feb 18 Don’t bother hounding your unruly emotions, listen to your screaming intelligence.

PISCES Feb 19 – Mar 20 You’re the trickster.

Astrology quote of the week: (Virgo) “Gentle the tide that needs gentling”.